WASHINGTON DC-- An unprecedented emergency meeting of presidential advisors has announced the formation of a new Super Department with Cabinet-level leadership following events at a White House banquet last night. The centerpiece of the two hundred billion dollar emergency appropriation is an initiative, to be staffed by the National Guard, the CIA and the National Football League, under Pentagon supervision, designed to teach submission to women and girls, says White House Spokesman Ari Fleschpresser this morning. The White House banquet was held by President Bushuerus to honor the role of major oil, energy and security companies in promoting National Security. Special guests included Endrun CEO Kenneth Loathe and members of the Board of Directors of several major corporations which have recently been under fire for what some have alleged to be unfair business practices. "The President always wishes to extend America's support to victims of injustice," said Fleschpresser this morning.
Eyewitnesses present at the banquet described President Bushuerus, late in the evening, pushing his chair across the floor and subsequently hitting his head on the edge of a wet bar. This injury occurred during a heated policy discussion moderated by the Dallas Cowgirls. Following the fall the President is said to have become quite vocal and agitated, calling alternately for his wife and for the National Security Advisor. On advice from an emergency phalanx of physicians posted at the banquet from Walter Reed Army Hospital in Bethesda, Maryland, a courier was sent to demand an emergency appearance by National Security Advisor Condolences Deserved. It is alleged that Ms. Deserved refused the summons. Her spokeswoman said in a press conference today, "Ms. Deserved regrets the incident last night but wishes to make it clear to the nation that the National Security Advisor only advises when clothed. Because of the particulars of this emergency request, she was unavailable for advisement when summoned. It was a most unfortunate miscalculation, and she wishes to assure the American people that policies are being formulated forthwith to address such contingencies in the future."
According to eyewitness accounts, Mrs. Bushuerus did appear at the banquet when summoned and, when requested to do so, did partially disrobe and perform a Jazzercise routine to the accompaniment of recorded music. Advisors to the President directed him to continue demanding that the National Security Advisor be summoned, as the First Lady's performance was not fully satisfactory to the assembled guests, some of whom are said to have booed. Advisors warned that failure to provide adequate entertainment might provoke a multinational diplomatic crisis.
Witnesses present at the banquet say that the subject of the Cowgirls' policy presentation was a proposal from Vice President Chaman to annihilate a small Middle Eastern nation which is said to be offering disrespect and resistance to the empire of President Bushuerus. Vice President Chaman communicated by video conferencing technology, as his actual whereabouts have been undisclosed since September 11, 2001. The presidential chair-pushing incident occurred immediately following the signing of an emergency bill authorizing total destruction of any national entity on demand from Vice President Chaman and specifically eliminating the oversight of the President, Congress, the United Nations, NATO and the people of the world as represented by mass movements. Eyewitnesses say that the President was in a state of elation following the signing of the bill. There is speculation among White House staff that the President may have overlooked the clause eliminating his own authority to declare war. Eyewitnesses suggest that there was significant methamphetamine use at the party which may have further contributed to the President's demeanor.
Following the disappointing performance by Mrs. Bushuerus and the repeated refusals from Ms. Deserved, the President retreated with Endrun CEO Loathe, Assistant National Security Advisor Paul Wolfwhistle and Secretary of State Colin Powerless to the White House Incident Room to tele-confer with Vice President Chaman. The announcement today of the creation of a new super- Department of Homeland Submission is said to have emerged from this consultation.
President Bushuerus today appointed Florida Orange Juice spokesman and Fascinating Womanhood promoter Anita Bryant to the new Cabinet-level post of Submission Czar. "Mrs. Bryant will be overseeing all aspects of this crucial national 'war on uppitiness,'" said Fleschpresser today. Critics immediately questioned Bryant's qualifications, pointing to her advanced age and fading political cachet. "Why do we have to have another old bag from the Reagan years?" said Promise Keepers spokesman the Rev. Dark Ages. "Why can't we have someone that women today can look up to and respect---someone like Shania Twain?" In response to this criticism, Fleschpresser said today, "The President is proud to have resurrected several fine individuals with long and distinguished records of national service. We have every confidence that Mrs. Bryant will perform with the same distinction as has John Poindexter when called back into active service to their country."
Details of the Department of Homeland Submission's program are still being drafted, but initial steps are widely expected to include a bill requiring the presence of a certain amount of cleavage for all female applicants for government jobs and a public education campaign promoting the use of duct tape on the oral cavities of overly assertive wives and daughters. "We want to begin with issues that all of America can get behind," said Bryant today.
Meanwhile, President Bushuerus is said to be in Reno today, arranging a divorce, and has already announced a nationwide search to select a new First Lady. Details of the application process will be publicized soon on containers of home cleaning products and all Victoria's Secret merchandise. The ACLU was in court this morning on behalf of the National Abortion Rights Action League, demanding that application information be posted at all abortion clinics. Papers filed by Attorney General John Cashcrop on behalf of the President say, "There is no presumptive right for filthy street trash such as the tramps served by the Plaintiffs to be eligible for Presidential affection." Speaking today on the Howard Stern Show, Attorney General Cashcrop said, "The Founding Fathers clearly did not intend for women to be permitted to speak. That is why there are no Founding Mothers."
© 2003 Rabbi Margaret Holub
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Updated 03/02/2003 (rge)